It's been about one year and one month since I officially canceled my doomed 2020 wedding.
I wrote a blog post about the experience last March. At the time, it was such a difficult choice. It was painful to cancel the wedding I'd been planning and dreaming about since I was a child. But, for me, it was a consolation to know I was going through the experience with countless others from around the world. (And yes, I did and do judge you if you went through with a big, maskless wedding in the middle of a pandemic.)
But now, just a few weeks ago, almost one year after we pulled the plug on wedding #1, we picked a new date, booked a new venue, and started planning once again.
I'll be honest. After the past year, I developed a bit of a bad attitude about wedding planning. Something I'd once loved and dreamed of became a chore, a burden, a pain.
Let me allow you a peek into the planning & cancelation process of wedding #1.
We found a venue we thought we'd love, one with a huge dance floor for partying and highly-reviewed food choices. We set a date for May 2, 2020, I bought a dress, sent save-the-dates and invitations, picked out the menu, and then... total chaos.
The week before I was supposed to travel out of state for my bachelorette party and attend a wedding shower, we had to cancel everything.
I'll spare you the details of the nightmare we went through with the original venue, which ultimately culminated in the loss of our deposit and left me (still) debating whether or not to leave them 1-star reviews on all wedding websites (several of which they've mysteriously disappeared from in the past few months).
At the end of that saga, I felt defeated, bummed out, and ready to never plan another wedding again in my life.
For the remainder of 2020, I put all of that on hold. I stopped texting my bridesmaid group chat, I stopped checking Pinterest, I didn't even think about setting a new date. Not only did I not want to even begin to risk going through this major headache all over again, but I also just didn't feel like planning a wedding.
In so many ways 2021 has brought renewed hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not even talking about in terms of my wedding, which is a small blip in the grand scheme of the horrors this pandemic has brought on so many.
I can't even tell you the relief I've felt watching my friends and family get their vaccines. After spending my holiday break sick with COVID-19 this year, I am more grateful than ever for the health of myself and my loved ones. Knowing that they would be protected and that more and more people in this country are vaccinated every day brought so much relief.
But even with the knowledge that my dream wedding was getting safer and safer, day by day, I couldn't find the desire within myself to go through this again. Unfortunately, I couldn't shake my bad attitude.
Then, the other day I was walking to pick up some lunch from a nearby restaurant when I passed a bridal salon. I stopped for a moment to admire the beautiful dresses hanging in the window.
I started to think about my experience wedding dress shopping, and how much fun it was. I went into it with low expectations (I hate shopping in general), but loved the entire experience. I spent time with my mom and best friends, we had a delicious lunch break with guacamole and margaritas, and I felt genuinely beautiful in my final dress pick. I went just a week after we got engaged, and it was the last time I felt super excited and happy to plan our wedding.
At that moment, I had an epiphany.
First of all, and may I say, duh, I realized my attitude was a personal problem. I was the one choosing to be negative, and I was also the one choosing to have a wedding. If I was going to grumble and complain my way through wedding planning, why even have a big wedding in the first place?
But also, I realized that the big wedding is so much more than just a big fancy party to me.
I remember when my grandfather passed away a few years ago. Once the shock and initial grief had passed, I remember thinking about my wedding day.
I didn't necessarily plan for this blog to delve into this topic, but here I go anyways.
It's funny, but I can just picture exactly what it would be like to have Poppy at my wedding. I can picture us all making fun of his dance moves, his teary eyes as I walked down the aisle, him kissing my cheek as we took photos together. It's almost like a memory, it's so clear in my mind. In the same way, I can almost see him at our yearly trip to the beach at Thanksgiving or sometimes on Christmas when we're passing out all the gifts.
It reminds me of a lyric from one of Taylor Swift's songs where she says:
"And if I didn't know better, I'd think you were singing to me now. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were still around."
I bring this up because in a year that's been filled with tremendous grief and loss for so many people, having all of my people all together in one room, and all of Erick's people all together in one room, is more important to me than ever.
The photos we'll get, the people we'll meet, the memories we'll hold with us are important to me. It's not just a fancy party, but it's something more to me. Something sacred and holy and sentimental and beautiful and remarkable.
And my attitude and perspective just weren't reflecting these true feelings that I do hold close to my heart.
Honestly, I didn't really have a plan for this blog post, but it's taken on a life of its own. I think what I'm trying to say is this -
We've all felt the collective grief of cancellations and loss and illness and death this past year. And I hope that we can all also feel the joy and beauty and wonder and life of what's yet to come.
I hope we can all celebrate the miracle of modern science and a highly effective vaccine. I hope we all hug our loved ones tighter and tighter in the light of all the hugs we've lost. I hope we all reschedule our weddings and dance and laugh and love each other. And I hope we do it all, not because it's what we are supposed to do or for the Instagram aesthetics, but I hope we all realize how important it is to celebrate with the people we love.
Now, back to wedding planning.
If you enjoyed this post, be sure to follow me for more on Instagram and Facebook @emilyamartinblog. You can also subscribe to my newsletter for behind-the-scenes updates and notifications when I publish a new post.
Until next time!
Comentarios